My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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