I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
