cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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