i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
