My room smells like vodka and shame
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
