I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
