It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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