I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
