I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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