stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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