apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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