The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
