he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
