so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
