Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
