she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
