Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
