Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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