I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
