hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
