I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
