just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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