i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I did not marry a roomba.
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