My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
