i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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