I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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