I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
