Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
