I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
