They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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