Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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