how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
