His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
