I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
