i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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