I met the friendliest cop last night
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
