Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
this beer tastes like vomit already
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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