What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
