The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
