He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
