you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
