Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize