I CAN MOONWALK!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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