when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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