my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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