I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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