I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize