first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
