I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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