The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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