I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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