the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize