my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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