Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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