I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
