is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
