apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize