Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize