On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
