Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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