i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
