Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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