dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
