A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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