Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize