i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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