I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
