Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
