I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
from now on my penis is your penis
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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