please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
